If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Come on in and take your pants off
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