If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
