can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
