Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
