Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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