Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Randomize
