my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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