dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
