I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
