I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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