Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
