turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
