I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
