All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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