mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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