those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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