it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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