So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
