Whatcha textin bout Willis?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize