Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
