oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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