is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
