Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
