just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
