do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
