I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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