I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
you made out with another girl for some wings
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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