Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
