I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
