Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
