I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
