I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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