you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
