Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
