i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He keeps bees of course he's weird
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
