don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
foreskin is a definite game changer
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
