We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
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If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
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Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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