just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
