did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
