I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
