I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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