I will die if light touches me.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
