i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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