Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
