I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
did i just pee glitter
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
