perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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