I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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