and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
