Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
