Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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