Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
