Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
