she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
