so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
of course. lets lasso hookers.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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