I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
